"you'd never know it
but buddy, i'm a kind of poet
and i've got a lot of things to say."

                ~ 'one for my baby (and one more for the road)'

the past finds me forward
balanced on heart strings
easing slow over the grain
full note emerging.

if i am honest i will say that
i feel slightly out of tune
humming language-less
unsung.

i savor the pauses
the moments of breath landing
ten thousand joys
ten thousand sorrows
the winding road.

an awakening swells, unfolding
smelling of autumn and sweet wine
my whole body in his hands.

a tentative toe reach across
this space holds beliefs
my heart no longer recognizes.

there is hope
and love
and sweetness i long to taste.

there is she who
thrives in becoming
turning in an endless dance.

a bottomless bottom
the familiar haunt
choked on its echoes.

i am still between seasons
breathing in layers
waiting for the other shoe to drop.

it seems time has
moved on without me
perhaps i can find
solace in that.

i am learning to
live with loose ends
maybe one day i will love them.

ouch.

it seems a cycle is coming to an end
in the midst of all this bullshit energy
my needs rise up to look me in the eye
shouting over the noise to be heard.

if i am honest i will say that
i'm not sure what turns me on
the rise and fall of each day brings
nothing but the passing of time.

every moment is an opportunity to let go
calling forth something to be felt
beyond the simple affirmation of existence
i am longing to be held.

i am trying not to fake anything
and avoid telling myself lies
though my heart hangs so far to the
ground it scrapes when i walk.

the culmination of this tragedy has
left me wrung out and laid bare
a dripping wound exposed on the line
scorched by the heat of attachment.

there used to be safety in objects
something solid to fill the void
of all the things i carried
you were by far the heaviest.

"things fall apart, come together, and
sometimes i feel fortunate to bear witness."

                              ~ michael thomas, 'man gone down'

i thought i rehearsed it perfectly
the conversations we'd have
the moment of letting go
how it would feel to tell you
all that has filled the space between us
none of it matters now.

i have learned to live with regrets
each disappointment runs into the next
eclipsed by the evolving narrative
they all feel the same.

i have worked this story
so far into the ground
that it no longer involves you
a reaching heart met by my own
a silent death realized
there is nothing left to mourn.

the end.

as mercury retrograde has come and gone
it seems i have no one to blame
except you of course
though lately talking to you is like
sand in my vagina.